Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Monster: The Noun - And Introduction to The Introduction Poem

So a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago (say 2009-ish) I figured I would write a parody game. I thought I was pretty funny person, and it was trying to lampoon a rather popular game that was out there. There was a lot of other stuff mixed up in it, not just my desire to take something I felt certain people around me was taking too seriously and play with it a bit of a game.

It's been three years, a couple of rewrites and a learning curve to make me understand that I should probably walk away from this project. It's not that funny to me anymore, and having kind of changed my situation in the past little bit it's becoming one of those things that I'd rather not have around. This isn't edited, and it was supposed to have some funny typography things, but that's not really going to work on Blogger so *shrug* we'll just have to deal with it.

Without further ado, here is The Introduction and Introduction Poem for Monster: The Noun

“Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.”
—Winston Churchill

This is the poetic introduction.
It shows that we’re deep.
How deep?
Real deep.

So deep I don’t think you can understand.
With words like Death,
In special fonts.
Like I said deep.

To conclude,
This is the end *after*-all
I make an obscure pun.
You are amazed


You have been warned mortal.  These pages are filled with the secrets of the occult and the unhallowed terrors that lie within the secret places of the soul.  Not since the Necronomicon and the mad scribblings of Abdul Al-Hazred has such concentrated evil been put down on the page.  If you can look upon these words, you foolish creature, and still maintain some semblance of sanity then you may have some hope.  There is little for the rest of us.

There are beings that walk among us.  Horrible beings.  Terrible beings.  Unspeakable beings.  They go by different names: Venatus ludio ludius, horrendously maladjusted, unfit for society, a menace to everyone, or in short “Monsters.”  These are creatures that think only of themselves, and have a hard time understanding things like basic emotions and sympathizing with the plight of every day folk.  They are among us, and they have been present for a time out of mind.

After reading this book you will begin to see the signs that these creatures are everywhere.  Some of them are more obvious than others.  They hide in dank corners, stench billowing off of their unwashed backs as they glare at the normal people walking in the light of day.  The same light that has shunned their existence throughout their whole not-life.  They mutter to themselves, speaking in odd languages understood only by an unlucky few.  They clutch their prize possessions to their breasts covered by small unkempt and food stained bags.  

Sometimes this makes people mistake them for vagrants, or drunks who have not been able to make it to their shelter by the time the morning comes.  However, upon closer inspection there is no liquid in these disgusting bags, instead it makes a noise as if several small pieces of plastic or glass or clattering around.  No one knows what they are used for, but certainly it is for no good purpose.

Others are far more perverse and can hide in the open.  They are clean smelling and friendly and able to converse with people without mentioning numbers once.  They wear the latest fashions and can be seen in clothes that have been inside a washing machine at least once.  They understand world politics, they understand local politics, they understand personal politics, they understand gender politics, they understand class politics, they understand playful politics and they understand golf.

Do not be fooled!  When they have lulled you into a false sense of security they shed these protective measures and mingle with the same heartless creatures you can spot from across the room.   They speak the same language, they understand each other and that is what will be the downfall of humanity.  

Constant vigilance is the key to keep everyone safe.  This book is your first and only defense against these creatures.  Use it wisely and keep it handy so you can reference it when you need to identify these fiends.  In fact, you should buy a copy for everyone you know so that they can keep themselves free of the taint that lurks behind every corner.  Encourage them to buy it for their loved ones so that they do not become victims.  Bring it to your workplace and where you relax, but be careful in these public places.  Monsters may be hiding behind the overly friendly barrista at your local coffee establishment and the incredibly moody musician at your favourite bar.  Stay alert, stay safe, and stay out of their control.  

Should this book ever fall into the wrong hands then all its protective value would be lost.  The world might never recover from such a calamity.

I pray that such a day never happens.

So should you.

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