Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Monster: The Noun - Vampires

This was I think the first thing I wrote for Monster: The Noun. I enjoyed it enough that I felt like I should try to make a bigger project out of this, and part of why I'm glad that I didn't. If I'm going to do something funny, I would rather do something like Critical!: Go Westerly than something like Monster: The Noun. Anyway, here's the Vampire section.


The darkness that shines upon the eternal soul of everyone also draws that soul towards the dark and occult paths.  The small bit of blackness that exists in the brightest of hearts, from priests and ministers to the small child selling matchsticks for a quarter, all yearn towards the void of evil.  Be it something simple as taking candy from a baby or as far down the trail of monstrosity as taking candy from many babies, nothing matches the awe inspiring terror mixed with an unhealthy dose of dankness and a side order of depression as the Vampire.  After all, no other creature is forced to live as they do, drawing blood from any living thing.  Hanging out after dark, never truly enjoying physical pleasures and therefore try to make up for it by indulging in large quantity of sins of the flesh, drinking, partying, smoking, bitching and whining until the dark monster within rises up and takes a hold of you.  That is the lot of the vampire, eternally asking where the party is but never finally getting to it.

Through history, the Nosferatu have been feared for their fiendish ways and frightening eating habits.  They play on our darkest fears in our history, like Vlad the Impaler who impaled many people he didn’t like -on pikes no less.  They crop up in our literature, the dark and sinister Dracula who would seduce and woo.  Culminating in more recent incarnations of the Vampire that has made such devious appearances on children’s cereal boxes, showing that there are no depths that the Vampire will not go in its quest to satiate itself.

Vampires blend well into current society, there are cities that never sleep after all, and such Beasts only sleep during the decent hours of daylight.  However, there are tell tale signs that tend to give these monsters away. First they tend to dress in dark clothes, usually involving trench-coats, black t-shirts and black leather pants.  There are alternatives to this standard of dress, usually involving corsets, red lipstick and cloaks but all the variations focus on dark colours mixed with either white or red with a focus on being as dark and mysterious as they can be.

Everyday people attempt to resist the urge to fall to the dark side of un-life, but not everyone is as resilient to this call as most are.  They fall into some easily definably categories, not all fit these types but you will find that most do.

1.         The Arrogant Prick:  He knows that he’s far superior to the rest of the world.  He thinks he’s stronger, smarter, faster, braver, sexier, cooler than the rest of us could ever hope to be.  He likes to lord it over all those who he considers inferior, there can be no sweeter reward for The Arrogant Prick then the lord it over other for ETERNITY. 
2.         Lesbians:  Scientists are uncertain as to what comes first, are lesbians drawn to vampirism or does the kiss of fangs create lesbians.  The fact is that is really doesn’t matter since we can verify through anecdotal evidence that there seems to be a predominantly large amount of them running around.
3.         Lonely Geeks:  Often drawn by the allure of power, and lesbians, the Lonely Geeks embrace their un-life with open arms.  However, it always ends up being less than they dreamed.  Realizing that the lesbians have no interest in them, and the Arrogant Pricks get to lord it over them for eternity, these lowest of the low, most pathetic of the dark are stuck in a void of hopelessness that does nothing but feed their dark hearts.

While other creatures of darkness might congregate well with others, Vampires tend to spend time with their own kind and bemoan any time spent with happier creatures.  With darkness approaching the Vampire finds that the hunger and the thirst drag upon his soul and blot out his or her mind so that there is only one thing to do.  That one thing is to approach a local bar to imbibe what they can under the cover of darkness.

Vampire Power:

Ennui: Vampires have the uncanny ability to be so mopey and annoying that people will do anything to make them go away.  This goes as far as pretending to believe that they think they can’t see you, as long as you go away.  When failing your ennui to do something vampirish the more people will pretend that you did exactly what you did just to get your pale face as far away from them as possible.  You’re whiney, and annoying and really so filled with the dark that others just get listless and depressed around you, doubly so when you actually start talking.  Use your ennui to inspire thoughts of depression, sadness and general antipathy around you and maybe you’ll actually be able to get a date that doesn’t involve roleplaying.

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